We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
