My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
