Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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