Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I am one with the molecules
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
