I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
