when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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