I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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