I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
