i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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