cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
