Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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