Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
