Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
