Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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