wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
