I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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