Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
