I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
