I think I died a long time ago.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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