This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
