um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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