You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard