There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
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He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.