According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"