i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here