Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize