ugly people sure do ruin things
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
