my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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