I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
