if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
