I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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