I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
