she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
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This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
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I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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