She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
