omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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