just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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