Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
