i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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