My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
