no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
