You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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