You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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