if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
