I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
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Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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