she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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