someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
