Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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