I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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