you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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