I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
