Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
