WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
