I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
