Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
