Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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