barbara walters just said penis...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My ass is underappreciated
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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