i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
