i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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