i need an iv and a liver transplant
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
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