i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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