And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
