Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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